PimpDifferent

I turn to Jeopardy to prove i'm smarter than most of the world, and low and behold, what do i see?

Fucking football.

Which brings me to the my annual, "Are YOU Ready For Some Football!! Cuz I Know I'm SURE NOT" rant.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY FOOTBALL SUCKS

1. Except for "skill positions," (wide receivers, running backs, quarterbacks, safeties) the entire role of the players is to run after the guy with the ball or roll around the ground with other men. Sounds very homo erotic to me. Baseball players pat eachother on the butt (even though i have NEVER done that in my life and don't plan on doing so) but football players roll around eachother in a sweaty dirty pile.

2. To "add" to the excitement of the game, there are 4 different ways to score. Baseball doesn't have 6 points, and 1 extra point, and 3 points if some 120 pound foreign kicker comes out and punts an oblong ball through a metal bar, and 2 points if you walk into your own end zone while you have the ball and some 300 pound with the IQ of a peanut hits you and you fall down go boom. I guess baseball is a bit more evolved. You know, cross home plate, and you get a run on the board. We don't chase around people because they have a ball and try to bring them down as hard as you can.

3. Hey, how about you tough guys play both offense and defense? That's right, that feeble brain of yours can only handle 1 task at a time. And 1 task during the entire game. "Mongo hike ball, mongo hit guy in front of me." Repeat. For 5 fuckin hours.

4. Hey! We don't need the pre pre pre game at 9 am. We don't even need the pre pre game at 10 am. Guess what? I could give a shit about the pre game special at 11 am. AND, i could give a shit about the pre game at noon. Finally, the game starts at 1 and after 4 hours of watching the equivalence of human Demolition Derby, it is over. Of course, at 5 pm, we have the post game show. Then at 6 we have the post post game special...Then at 7, when Sportscenter starts, they dedicated 25% of the show to the game they just showed.

5. When i'm playing 2nd base, the only protection i have is a hard plastic thing shaped like a pear around my dick. On the other hand, football players, that claim to be so 'tough' wear 120 pounds worth of gear. That's really tough. Go play rugby. Be a real man.

TOP 5 THINGS THAT CAN BE DONE TO MAKE FOOTBALL MORE EXCITING

1. No pads. See how many points you can score now.

2. You get 11 men on the field. Both defense and offense. You get 10 subs per game. Better use them wisely because when your quarterback has his clavicle sticking out of his chin (see #1), you better have substitutions left.

3. You have 3 timeouts for the entire game. Use them wisely. If you can't come up with an intelligent enough play in 45 seconds, you're a moron and deserve to be on the football field. And fuck this 4 hour game. First one to 21 wins.

4. You get 4 coaches. None of these 21 guys running around the sideliens yelling at the 2 guys they coach. And what's with the headsets that are linked to everything, including the quarterback's helmet. Is he that fucking dumb that he can't read signs? And is the coach that much of a pussy that he can't yell out plays?

5. You have to play 165 games a season. Let's see if you last 25.

I've said my peace.